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June 12, 2005
long days, long nights,
I don't think I ever fully recover from wounds, well, I have recovered from some, but some I don't know that I'm ready or know how to heal. A darkness fills me, something that courses through my blood. Blood boiling... I can make it do that in an instant with the right thoughts. The ability to access rage and anger has never, ever been as close and as easy as it is now.
Do I have anger issues, no, not really. Do I do anything irrational when I'm angry? Nah. Could I? Probably not.
I know this, I have seen the destruction of the wrong influences in many people's lives. I have seen how a heart can be ripped open and exposed. I have seen the twisting of a mind.
I feel defeated. I have failed those I cared about, I have failed myself... no, that's not true. I suppose I don't feel that I've failed, only that I don't know what to do next. I'm lost in a way, unsure of where to turn, unsure of what the next step should be. I struggle to keep myself from diving below the surface, becoming once again invisible and insignificant.
So much of my life has changed. My closest high-school groupings have finally seen their ends, the Amigos faction probably was finally laid to rest as the member that brought us the closest and was our heart and soul left town. My two best friends from high-school have both moved on, one to an island chain, the other to Omaha with his new wife.
I know generally what my purpose is, but the specific opportunity has yet to present itself. I realize I'm probably preparing in some way for what's to come. I think I know what's to come, but I don't know how to get there, and I'm burdened by the weight of it. I know I will be attacked, my reputation ruined, my life put under the most intense magnifying glass ever This is my most desperate hour and in times of need some of my greatest allies have returned. Perhaps new keys will be unlocked in the new conversations.
I must go to Missoula and Seattle, I don't want to go searching for answers or expecting them, but I always learn something about myself from the mentors that reside there.
Who are you?
-Will
Posted by badwillhunting at June 12, 2005 10:48 PM